I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
