I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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