Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
