we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
