I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Randomize
