it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
