remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
