it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
