I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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