just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He better not be in your backpack
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
