Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
