I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
