i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
