I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
