i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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