My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
