I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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