just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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