i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
