I accidentally burped into my bong.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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