oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
is that a dick in a sweater?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
