Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
soo... how was my night?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
