Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
