Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
