Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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