You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
