I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
