I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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