Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
