I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
im having a threesome with these popsicles
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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