Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
