i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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