I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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