Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
