Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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