watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
