maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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