I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
