So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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