I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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