I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
