I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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