nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
