Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize