This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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