She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
