i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
