yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
