So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize