I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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