May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
