I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
