Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
