My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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