dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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