So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
and she was petting her beer can
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
